


this is a good thing, dean. (prayer is a sign of faith)

by cascountsdeansfreckles



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 15x18 coda, Dean Winchester Prays to Castiel, M/M, Prayer, post 15x18
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:55:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27413092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cascountsdeansfreckles/pseuds/cascountsdeansfreckles
Summary: Dean’s legs still don’t want to move. He sits propped up against the wall and stares unseeing at the chair in the middle of the room. Everything that Cas said plays over and over in his head. The image of Cas looking devastatingly relieved, content, as he was taken from Dean won’t leave his mind.He doesn’t know what else to do. So he prays.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 19
Kudos: 313





	this is a good thing, dean. (prayer is a sign of faith)

Dean’s legs still don’t want to move. He sits propped up against the wall and stares unseeing at the chair in the middle of the room. Everything that Cas said plays over and over in his head. The image of Cas looking devastatingly relieved, content, as he was taken from Dean won’t leave his mind.

He doesn’t know what else to do. So he prays.

“Hey, Cas. I know you can’t hear me but...just on the off chance that you can, somehow, I need to say this.” Dean swallows thickly and closes his eyes. He hasn’t prayed to Cas since Purgatory. “I am so, so sorry. I’m sorry that I got you—” he chokes on the word. “I’m sorry that I got you dead. And I’m sorry that I froze.”

His phone buzzes with another call from Sam. He turns it off.

“You kept talking and saying all of this...profound shit. Shit about me, and about Sam and Jack, and about us. You ‘n me. And I just froze.”

Dean let’s his head thunk against the wall and keeps his eyes tightly shut.

“God, I’m sorry about all of it. Sorry we were stupid for so long. A decades worth of bad timing and doubt just because we were a couple of dumbasses the whole time.”

He loses his breath and Castiel’s words come to him unbidden. The one thing I want is something I know can’t have.

“God damn it, Cas. You could’ve had me. You did have me, you idiot. You had me. I thought you knew it.”

Dean opens his eyes and tilts his head down just far enough to stare at the bloody handprint on his jacket.

“Guess you had to sign your work after you saved me again, huh?”

There is no response, no laughter under breath that was meant for only Dean to hear. No snide comment or obscure reference that even Dean barely grasps. 

“I’m sorry I froze,” he whispers again. “You told me you—and I just stared at you. I couldn’t get it out. Not when I knew you were about to walk out on me. But damn it, Castiel,” he closes his eyes again, trying to muster the strength to say it.

Even alone in an empty room, with nothing left to lose, his throat constricts over the words as they try to claw their way out.

“I can’t fuckin’ say it,” he snaps. “I don’t know why—because I do. I do feel the same. And now you’re gone and I never got to tell you that I love you too.”

Once the words are out, the dam breaks. He curls in on himself, leaving the prayer unfinished. The tears force their way out of him and it’s all he can do to gasp enough oxygen in between each sob.

Sam finds him a couple of hours later, still sitting against the wall, staring straight ahead.

“Dean, where’s Cas?”

Jack stands just behind Sam, wide eyes sweeping the room and landing on the red handprint on Dean’s shoulder. Dean doesn’t stand up, just lifts his gaze to his brother and shakes his head.

“Cas is gone.”


End file.
